The Loudoun Times Mirror reports that conservative Leesburg School Board representative Bill Fox suggested a creative bit of growth in our local government – the procurement and maintenance of elementary school arsenals. For an initial outlay of $100K plus $50K annually we can outfit each elementary school with a gun safe, semi-automatic shotgun, and training in the “art” of lethal killing.

Prove to me why keeping a gun in each Loudoun County elementary school wouldn’t be a cheap and effective school shooting deterrent, asked School Board member Bill Fox (Leesburg), in the comment section of a TooConservative.com blog post titled “Since Nothing Else Works, Arm the Principals.”

If Mr. Fox’s suggestion is approved, there will need to be a mandatory assembly to inform students and parents of the new policy. Here is a draft of the LCPS presentation:

Welcome students and parents. We’ve called this assembly to assure you that we’ve taken proactive measures to insure that students, volunteers and staff will be as safe as possible in the event of a school invasion by heavily armed persons intent on inflicting harm. This school is now outfitted with the Smileyface gun safe, the latest in fingerprint activated gun safes. The safe contains the popular Pulpmaster semi-automatic tactical shotgun with detachable 12-round magazine.

Your principal, Ms. Rambo, guidance counselor Ms. Skywalker, and fifth grade teacher Mr. Hinckley have each received extensive training in tactical operations, handgun, machine gun and shotgun safety, hand to hand combat and knife fighting. They are now your officially designated “Student Protection Officers.” As SPOs, they MAY augment the meager taxpayer funded arsenal with their personal weapons. Experts consulted by the school board suggest an open-carry Glock, a concealed derringer, bowie knife and piano wire. In the upcoming budget negotiations, the school board will reallocate funds from music and arts education to secure funding for the new line item. We recognize the need for one weapon for each SPO. We wouldn’t want to see any needless contention for weapons during the fog of war. Don’t worry; the school board will not reduce funding allocated for ball fields or sports programs.

Unfortunately, we have received some rather nasty emails from San Francisco-style liberals who think this is a bad idea. We’d like to assure you that a team of volunteer consultants – all members of the NRA, and many with extensive stock holdings in the Smileyface Gun Safe Corporation and Pulpmaster Unlimited – has performed an extensive, non-peer-reviewed study. They have determined that this is the best safety option. There is a tiny chance that a SPO will go ballistic and use his or her taxpayer-funded shotgun on fellow staff members or students, that he or she will carry out a public suicide, or that a SPO personal weapon will be used against an innocent. However, we’ve determined that this cost is negligible compared to the deterrent benefit of the arsenal. In the case of an unfortunate incident, we assure you that we will respond by immediately purchasing additional weapons.

Additionally, some of these liberals, who will stop at nothing to take away YOUR LIBERTY, have complained about the pedagogic message of this action. They have even stooped so low as to cite the Holy Bible, including the stories of Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Moses, and Jesus. Some have also written that there is an American tradition of non-violent resistance to injustice and evil, noting that the human spirit and faith have been effective weapons in the struggle against guns, clubs, dogs, fire hoses and the hangman’s noose, weapons that have been wielded by the powerful against the powerless. To this, we reply: HOGWASH. We are responsible for your children’s education. We will not allow these liberal fantasies to enter their receptive little heads. We MUST teach them what to think and train them up in the way they should go. The most important message we can teach is that if there is a problem, the solution is to buy stuff.

Please, go home, hug your children, tell them that you love them, and let them know that they need not worry. We will keep them safe.

This message has been sponsored by the NRA, Smileyface Gun Safe Corporation, Pulpmaster Unlimited and ALEC.